Being atypical isn’t a deficit: My Neuroqueer identity

A few years back when I attended a workshop, one of my fellow participants addressed me by “they” pronoun, and I felt incredibly seen at that moment. 

Up until then, I was internally struggling to accept the non-binary messiness of gender, even though growing up I have had plenty of instances when I felt like a square peg being forced into a round hole situation. 

When it comes to discourses around gender, sexuality or neurodivergence, we often come across the word “spectrum.” 

The idea behind “spectrum” is that it encompasses a range of understandings, views and opinions on these subjects. But what if, instead of a range, it was a vast universe where everyone could be whatever they wanted? 

Each individual is a unique star and can be their most authentic self here. That’s what the neuroqueer space means to me. 

My relationship with gender, sexuality and neurodivergence is deeply neuroqueer. 

The neuroqueer space is a radical space where non-conformist notions concerning gender, sexuality and neurodivergence are celebrated, which is in contrast to a world where cis-heteronormativity and neuronormativity are enforced. 

Being neurodivergent means seeing and interacting with the world in atypical ways. And since neurodivergence affects how I see and interact with the world, it has also shaped my understanding of gender and sexuality. 

Usually, gender identity is constructed from a neurotypical lens, completely disregarding neurodivergent perspectives. 

However, neurodivergent folx experience a queering of the mind. 

So neatly defined identity labels based on neurotypical standards such as “boy,” “girl,” “man” and “woman” mean differently to many of us. 

Even as an adult, there are parts of me that are more childlike than others around me. This entails how I experience and express my feelings, my innate curiosity or whimsical behaviour. And this has invited comments and infantilisation from those around me. 

For instance, I’m often told I seem much younger than my age because my behaviour doesn’t coincide with what is considered age-appropriate. 

So from my neuroqueer perspective, even the construction of cis-gender identity is complex, and sometimes, it is closer to the idea of queerness as it defies what is perceived as “normal.” 

Now, while I started using “she/ they” pronouns initially to be more inclusive and break the gender binary, overtime it has become more than that. 

“They” can be both singular and plural; it’s fluid. 

I’m an individual whose identity has been shaped by numerous experiences, which can be truly understood by understanding the context. To me, “she/ they” makes room for all that and more. 

So even though I’ve been socialised as a “woman,” there are moments when I feel the term does not encapsulate all my feelings. 

As neuroqueerness celebrates fluidity, it has given me the space to explore the idea of gender away from neurotypicality. 

In addition, by virtue of my asexuality, I experience little to no sexual attraction. 

But I’m romantically attracted towards two or more genders, which is atypical in this allonormative society that reinforces compulsory sexuality and heteronormativity. 

My asexuality requires no “fixing.” Like my neurodivergence, my asexuality, too, subverts the normative culture, but both of them are described in terms of “lacks.” 

While asexuality is commonly described as an absence of sexual attraction, neurodivergence is defined as having social impairments. 

But, being atypical isn’t a deficit. 

Feminist theorist Bell Hooks wrote: “‘Queer’ not as being about who you’re having sex with (that can be a dimension of it); but ‘queer’ as being about the self that is at odds with everything around it and that has to invent and create and find a place to speak and to thrive and to live.” 

Building on her argument around queerness, when queer theory and the neurodiversity paradigm inform one another, there is a further queering of the body and the mind. In this resulting transformative space, which is the neuroqueer space, normative understanding of gender, sexuality and neurodivergence can be challenged. 

My neuroqueer bodymind isn’t fixed or singular, nor does it exist in a vacuum. It has been shaped by numerous experiences and can only be understood by situating my experiences contextually. 

In their book Authoring Autism, M Remi Yergeau eloquently argues, “Neuroqueering signifies a generous and inter-bodily gesturing, one that postures beyond brains, bones, and dermis; one that waves in a plurality of identities, orientations, affective stances, and lived experiences, modes ranging from autism to deafness to trauma to asexuality.” 

Simply put, to me, neuroqueering is resisting neatly defined categories and creating a space where even the messier parts of myself can thrive without giving in to binaries. 

Neuroqueerness problematises neat identity labels, making room for fluidity and plurality of identities, orientations and lived experiences by disrupting cis-heteronormativity and neuronormativity as well as defying societal expectations around what is considered “normal” and “abnormal.” 

My lived experiences and the journey I’ve undertaken to reach here are complex and difficult to disentangle from one another. “Neuroqueer” is all-encompassing without restrictive labels and diagnoses. 

It’s a space where I can make sense of my neuroqueer bodymind, connect with folx who’ve similar lived realities, and be a part of a community to experience a sense of belongingness. 

Glossary:

• Neuroqueer - It is both an identity and a verb. An individual who diverges from dominant societal norms, considers them to be neurologically queer, rejecting normative ideas around gender, sexuality and neurocognitive functioning.

• Neuronormativity - Upholding a set of rules, values and ideas around neuro-cognitive functioning which suggest that certain types of behaviour are normal, while others are not. 

• Cis-heteronormativity - The idea that being cis-gender and heterosexual is the norm and such people are superior in society. 

• Neurotypicality - The state of not being associated with neurodivergent behaviours. 

• Asexuality - A type of sexual orientation wherein people experience little to no sexual attraction towards others, but may or may not engage in sexual activity. 

• Allonormative - The idea that all human beings experience sexual and romantic attraction, and that’s the norm.

Soumya Mishra (she/ they) is a neuroqueer development sector professional with over 6 years of work experience, who is primarily interested in leveraging digital mediums to amplify marginalised voices, bridge existing gaps, promote inclusivity and accessibility. Their work and approaches are informed by their lived experiences. Building a community and fostering a sense of belongingness have been crucial in Soumya's work approach. As a personal project, they're also building a podcast — Atypical Dikkatein — to chronicle the stories of queer-disabled folx in India as these stories are often relegated to the margins.

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