4 ways to validate someone coming out to you about their neurodivergence

Autism and ADHD diagnoses rates around the world have risen considerably over the past few years.

More and more people are finding out they’re neurodivergent.

Which means it’s not entirely unlikely you may come across someone you know - maybe a friend, colleague or acquaintance - who has either recently been diagnosed (or discovered), or will at some point in the future. 

If you know someone who’s just been diagnosed (or discovered), read on below. And if not yet, read on still, because this is good information to have. 

First up, you definitely want to avoid saying things like, “Oh., everyone’s neurodivergent now,” or “It’s become a trend,” or “You can’t be autistic because of XYZ reason,” or - our absolute favourite (read: NOT), “But you don’t look autistic!” 

These just don’t help, even if you say it jokingly, because, for a lot of people, their neurodivergence discovery is already a bit overwhelming to begin with. 

You kind of don’t know what to make of it, and hearing things such as these aren’t going to help. Plus impostor syndrome is BIG in the neurodivergent world (if you don’t know about it, read up on it here).

Instead, try the following:

• If they seem unsure about it:

Always helps to be affirming, and let them know that nothing changes. Sure they now have the added hyper-awareness about their triggers and glimmers, and some changes they might need to make in their day-to-day lifestyle. But the people who care for them will stick around no matter what.

• If you’ve always thought they might be autistic:

While it’s generally not a good idea to tell an undiscovered/ undiagnosed person they might be neurodivergent if they haven’t brought it up with you first, depending on the circumstances it might be okay to let them know you’ve wondered whether they were neurodivergent due to a past incident. Soon after a realisation/ diagnosis, neurodivergent people might tend to think back on past experiences and wonder if they went the way they did because of their different wiring. Bringing up past incidents might help them have realisations that help prepare them for the future.

• If you don’t have the slightest idea what being neurodivergent or getting a diagnosis means, try going with:

Sure, a lot of us might have heard about or even come across terms such as ADHD, autism, dyslexia, dyspraxia, etc in passing on the Internet. Trouble is, the Internet is replete with misinformation on these conditions. It’s best to read accounts of neurodivergent people while trying to learn more about neurodiversity. And if you’re still unsure, the classic: “I’m sorry, could you tell me more...” approach always works.

• And if they’re happy about it:

Depending on the circumstances, a person’s discovery can be very liberating. It’s like finding all the answers to a bunch of very difficult questions. While it’s generally a good idea to congratulate them and share in their happiness, it’s also important to realise that you need to give them space to make sense of it. A good way to do that is by letting them know that if they want to talk to you about it, you’re around.

Remember that this can be a confusing and challenging time for many who neurodivergents, especially those who have had experiences with bullying, exclusion, social isolation, and infantilisation.

The time it takes to come to terms with accepting your neurodivergence may differ with every person, but it’s important to know that having someone around who understands is always helpful.

So be there for your loved one, let them know that you care, and, if they’re keen on it, help them connect with other neurodivergent folx.

There’s quite nothing like community :)